Life After Loss
Grief... is a real bitch some days. Just when you're having a great day and it seems like I finally have my ducks in a row again, GRIEF shows up out of nowhere. If you're completely lost and have no idea where this is going, read Man's Best Friend first.
It has almost been 2 months since my world was turned upside down and I had to say goodbye to Lucy. I miss that dog SO FREAKING MUCH. So much. More than I ever thought possible. Some days are good and then some days I'm a mess. Some people says "She was just a dog"... yeah, she was a dog, but she was also so much more than that. She was a part of our family. She was my canine kid and she was always there by my side no matter what. We did welcome a new, sweet black lab pup into our family - Lily - and I am so excited to have her, but it's just not the same. Plus, starting back over from the puppy stage has been rough. I'll do a future blog to introduce Miss Lily.
When I wake up in the middle of the night to let Lily out, I miss Lucy.
When Lily is in puppy mode shredding everything in sight, I miss Lucy.
When Lily passes out after playing, I miss Lucy.
When I see Lily run to the toy box and grab a toy that was previously de-stuffed by Lucy, I miss Lucy.
When I see Lily trying to play with our basset hound (Blu), I miss Lucy.
When I look at the dog bed on the floor next to our bed, I miss Lucy.
When I see the last shredded tennis ball that she chewed up before we left for the vet to say goodbye, I miss Lucy.
When I see her collar hanging by her picture, I miss Lucy.
It breaks my heart that all I have left is a mini urn with her ashes and her paw print. REALLY?
Lately, I've been consumed by the brutal "what-ifs" and "why" questions that come along with a situation like this. I have so many questions that I'll never have answers to and I think that makes it that much more difficult to accept. Why... why did this happen? Why did Lucy get sick? Did I do something to piss the Big Guy upstairs off? What made her get sick? How long had she been sick? Were there warning signs that I missed? What if I had caught it sooner? What if we opted to try the chemo treatments? Did we do enough? Did she die feeling like we failed her? Does she know how much she meant to us? Does she know we have Lily? Does she feel like we replaced her and just moved on?
So many questions and zero answers. I'm sure I'm over analyzing, but I'm a natural fixer. That's what I do, I fix situations. Heck, I'm a police officer so I'm constantly responding to calls for service and helping to "fix" whatever situation it might be. It breaks my heart knowing that I couldn't/can't fix this. I can fix everything else, except this. I think that's also another reason why it has been so hard for me to accept and move on. I just wish I could go back in time and FIX this.
It has almost been 2 months since my world was turned upside down and I had to say goodbye to Lucy. I miss that dog SO FREAKING MUCH. So much. More than I ever thought possible. Some days are good and then some days I'm a mess. Some people says "She was just a dog"... yeah, she was a dog, but she was also so much more than that. She was a part of our family. She was my canine kid and she was always there by my side no matter what. We did welcome a new, sweet black lab pup into our family - Lily - and I am so excited to have her, but it's just not the same. Plus, starting back over from the puppy stage has been rough. I'll do a future blog to introduce Miss Lily.
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| Lily! <3 How cute is this little pup?? |
When I wake up in the middle of the night to let Lily out, I miss Lucy.
When Lily is in puppy mode shredding everything in sight, I miss Lucy.
When Lily passes out after playing, I miss Lucy.
When I see Lily run to the toy box and grab a toy that was previously de-stuffed by Lucy, I miss Lucy.
When I see Lily trying to play with our basset hound (Blu), I miss Lucy.
When I look at the dog bed on the floor next to our bed, I miss Lucy.
When I see the last shredded tennis ball that she chewed up before we left for the vet to say goodbye, I miss Lucy.
When I see her collar hanging by her picture, I miss Lucy.
It breaks my heart that all I have left is a mini urn with her ashes and her paw print. REALLY?
Lately, I've been consumed by the brutal "what-ifs" and "why" questions that come along with a situation like this. I have so many questions that I'll never have answers to and I think that makes it that much more difficult to accept. Why... why did this happen? Why did Lucy get sick? Did I do something to piss the Big Guy upstairs off? What made her get sick? How long had she been sick? Were there warning signs that I missed? What if I had caught it sooner? What if we opted to try the chemo treatments? Did we do enough? Did she die feeling like we failed her? Does she know how much she meant to us? Does she know we have Lily? Does she feel like we replaced her and just moved on?
So many questions and zero answers. I'm sure I'm over analyzing, but I'm a natural fixer. That's what I do, I fix situations. Heck, I'm a police officer so I'm constantly responding to calls for service and helping to "fix" whatever situation it might be. It breaks my heart knowing that I couldn't/can't fix this. I can fix everything else, except this. I think that's also another reason why it has been so hard for me to accept and move on. I just wish I could go back in time and FIX this.
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| Out for a walk with Lucy! |
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| Two peas in a pod. He misses her too. |
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