Part 8: IUI #2

**Thank you for following our journey! If you're new to the blog, check out Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, and Part 6 so that you're up to speed on where we're at.

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Here we are. IUI #1 didn't work. I honestly didn't have a plan for if it didn't work. I was naive and assumed it would work on the first try. Why wouldn't it? The doctor said he had high hopes. Either way, here we are.

I made the call. I told the nurse that IUI #1 didn't work and that we would like to move on to IUI #2, without skipping any cycles in between. This was a difficult decision because I was emotionally shut down. I was numb and I was operating on auto pilot. Life in our house was tense. 

The Money

I cried when I thought about having to write another check for thousands of dollars. It made me sick knowing that we literally had nothing to show for it. I called the Billing Office and, to my surprise, she told me that our insurance company actually chipped in for the ultrasounds so we still had money left in our account from the previous procedure. Finally, some good news for once. I asked her how I knew whether or not we would owe money for this second procedure and she simply said "They'll send you a bill."

Emotions

I went into this second procedure feeling bitter, defeated, and hopeless. Right or wrong, I told myself this procedure wouldn't work. I didn't want to get my hopes up again only to see another negative test. I told myself that if I believed it wouldn't work, a negative test wouldn't hurt as bad. Honestly, I didn't even want to take the medications all over again because what's the point? My head just wasn't in the game. My heart was broken and I couldn't take anymore bad news.

IUI Procedure #2

There are three different nurses that work in the Reproductive Medicine Program. I had a different nurse this time. This nurse did things differently than the previous nurse, which made me start questioning everything. What if she had me take the medication on the wrong days? What if I took the trigger shot too late? The what-ifs came flooding in again. I started on the Letrozole and Metformin again (I actually never stopped taking the Metformin, they told me to stay on it because it helped with PCOS overall). I ordered the trigger shot. I went in for ultrasounds on April 18, April 26, and April 30. The ultrasound tech told me I had three different follicles. When I met with the nurse after the ultrasound, she told me I only had one follicle that was the size that we needed it to be; the other two were too small and wouldn't do anything. Ugh. I was so mad. Why wasn't my body responding to the Letrozole? Why weren't my ovaries making more follicles? I wanted to cancel the procedure due to only having one follicle. It didn't work with one follicle the last time, why would it work this time?

IUI #2 was scheduled for May 2. I remember sitting in the waiting room watching the clock. Our appointment was at 0730 and when the clock struck 0745, I told myself this was a waste of time and money. We were outside of the trigger shot timeframe by 15 minutes. We likely missed our shot because the nurse was taking too long.

Two Week Wait

Two week wait round 2. Ugh. I tried to keep myself busy again. I told myself 'How cool would it be to be able to announce that we were having a baby to our mom's on Mother's Day?' This had me a little excited. Again, I had zero symptoms. Eventually, my period showed up and all hope was gone. Once again I dropped to my knees and bawled.

Having to tell my husband a SECOND time that our shot at being parents was gone was... one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I apologized to him for being a failure. I apologized that he'd likely never be a dad because my body was broken. I apologized for wasting time and money. Again, he came at me with "It's okay, this takes time. We can try again in the future. Stop apologizing!"

Damn, I love that guy!!

The Next Steps

I told my husband I wasn't ready for IUI #3. I couldn't do it mentally. I just couldn't. I needed time to process everything. I needed some "normalcy" back. I was tired of getting my hopes up. The doctor said that we could do 3-4 rounds of IUI before having to move on to IVF. I told my husband that I didn't want to do IVF. We didn't have the thousands of dollars that it would cost and I just didn't feel comfortable doing that. We had plans to buy a new house and I wanted our money to go towards that versus towards something that wasn't a guarantee... again.